While I was getting my graduate degree in gifted educational psychology, there was a topic that I found enthralling. The misdiagnosis of giftedness as mental illness. Of course, this topic has the potential to cause some harm, if individuals with true mental illnesses refuse treatment based on the theories, but others could actually be saved.
Two posts back to back, so you know its been a rough week.
I was reading someone’s post about their negative experiences with group therapy, which I hated going to support groups so I can empathize, but it took me back to one of the fundamental thoughts that I had while I was attending- that I don’t feel that crazy.
I looked around me at the other people that had been hospitalized multiple times, don’t have jobs, and are so medicated that you can tell that they can’t function in normal everyday life, and I thought to myself, “You aren’t this bad, this isn’t you.” But I was also scared to death that I was going to end up like them.
I am definitely what you would call “high functioning” bipolar. I hold down a very difficult job, and no one can tell that I have bipolar disorder nor that I am medicated. So seeing people with the same disorder that were not functioning scared the crap out of me.
Most of the time, I don’t truly accept that I have a disorder if I am completely honest. I don’t feel like I function at a disadvantage. But every once in a while I am faced with a challenge that is created by my disorder and I have to be honest with myself. Its never fun to admit you have a problem, especially when its one this big and that you have no control over.
I struggle with going to the grocery store. It seems like such a simple task, but I get completely overwhelmed, agitated, and eventually manic over the stress associated with being in a crowded store. A couple of days ago I ended up crying (not the first time) over getting so upset at the grocery store, and it makes me feel absolutely insane. Usually Adam goes for me, which we don’t openly talk about why I can’t go, and we pretend like its no big deal. But I know that he doesn’t understand why I can’t just go to the store and buy food for us. Its frustrating.
My breakdown over the store brought up a lot of feelings that I was having of being completely overwhelmed. I am struggling with my sleep schedule because it is Spring Break (that’s over as of tomorrow) and my job is entirely too stressful for someone who is functioning at a disadvantage. My “normal” coworkers are all either on Xanax or drink to deal with the stress, and they don’t even have a serious psychological problem! How on earth am I supposed to survive?
Luckily, we only have 2 months left of school, so I definitely survived most of the year already. Everything from here on out will go quickly. But as the year moves forward, I can’t help but think that this isn’t the job for me. That maybe I need to acknowledge that I have a serious psychological condition that prevents me from being able to work in high stress environments. Even so, why would I want to work in that kind of environment anyway?
It’s been a while since I’ve written on here, and there’s one solid reason for that… I’ve been working.
For a person without bipolar disorder, that’s just a normal part of their daily life. Wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, etc. But for me, working is the hardest part of my bipolar disorder. I work with children, 7th graders to be exact, and for most people 120 of them would be exhausting on a good day. I love them to death, but it feels like they are killing me every single day. I also teach a large number of low income students, which comes with its own set of challenges. Cultural differences are definitely a real obstacle in the teacher/student relationship no matter how hard you try to understand and encorporate different cultures into your classroom.
I leave work beyond exhausted, I go home feeling depressed from my lack of energy, then I start to feel anxious about going back the next day causing me to stay up all night. It’s a vicious cycle.
Before you say something, I am very aware that teaching is probably not for me so I am looking for another job, but teaching is a contract so you can’t just quit when you feel overwhelmed. Plus, it would be foolish to quit one job before getting another one, so I’m stuck for now.
My fear is that any new job is going to be just as difficult. I was diagnosed last year, so I haven’t had long to cope with the lifestyle changes that I need to be as healthy as I can be. I’ve changed my diet, started exercising, then stopped, then started again, worked on my sleep schedule, cut down on soda, as many things as I can handle. But the one thing I can’t seem to figure out is how to work effectively. I don’t know, maybe the job change would be the change I need.
Well its been so long that I actually forgot which website that I use to blog. I probably should have looked at my last post to see where I left off, but we will just roll with it.
I will get to the point… My dream for the past 5 years is over. My plan is gone. My purpose for going to work everyday has disappeared. And I am struggling to figure out where to go from here.
Five years ago my professors told me that I was a great candidate for their PhD program after completing the first year of the program as a Masters degree student. The only catch was that I needed to go teach for 3 years to be qualified to apply. So 5 years, 2 unemployment periods, and 3 1/2 teaching years later here I am with a rejection letter in my hand.
The only reason I taught was because I planned on going back to CT for my PhD. I loved Connecticut, I loved the program, I loved the potential for employment afterwards. And now its gone.
I applied to a fallback school, but I don’t want to live there and I know nothing about the program because I didn’t plan on going.
I am 27 years old with a job that I hate that makes me sick and no marketable skills. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here?
This summer has been filled with rainstorms in my area. On the surface this really doesn’t effect me that much, since I am practically a vampire with translucent skin, but I have realized that maybe the rain is adding to some of my “lower” moments.
I still feel weird using some of the depressed terminology. When I am super low on energy and struggle to move around it doesn’t seem accurate to just say that I am feeling “low”. That being said, when I feel that way I am usually very close to the ground or laying down so maybe it is a little bit more accurate than I am giving it credit for.
When it rains everyday you stop going outside for the little things like getting the mail. Plus I walk the dogs less frequently. Those little things add up when you are fighting depression. I can tell that getting up (even if its hard) is a huge part of feeling better. It just gets even harder to get up when its raining. You start to feel the “why bother” get a lot stronger when its raining. Why worry about your hair if its just going to rain? Those types of things.
Also in the middle of the night a few nights ago there was a massive thunderstorm. During that storm I started to wonder if the weather was going to keep being crazy thanks to global warming. If thats the case, then how am I supposed to buy a house? What if it gets flooded or torn apart? Yup, in the middle of the night I can still out worry a normal person by a long shot.
Its a gift.
Whether or not, its still a great feeling sitting outside waiting for the rain.
Two weeks ago I couldn’t wait for summer break to get here. I was crying and losing sleep over how hard my job was at that point. Teaching in the inner city is never easy, but the last couple of weeks of school are brutal.
I felt like an overworked babysitter, or somehow even less than that. I was coming home and sleeping from 4pm until it was time to get up the next day. I didn’t have enough energy to even walk my dogs.
Then one day it all changed. I woke up that Tuesday feeling slightly less exhausted but hopeful that everything was going to change now that I didn’t have to go into work. I was also struggling with the severe depression caused by the idea of having to return to work in 2 months. I wanted a new job. I wanted a new career. I never wanted to step foot inside of a classroom ever again.
Since then, I have had a new job offer at a different school and my attitude has changed a bit. That being said I am still struggling with all of the unstructured time given to me by the summer break. I have no reason to wake up at a decent time in the morning. I have no reason to stay awake, so I just fall back asleep.
I have a list of things that I could be doing, but its a struggle to get anything done with the house empty.
I’ll get it figured out, I am sure I will. Probably right before schools starts again.
I was filling out a job application the other day, and I got excited that Bipolar Disorder was specifically identified as a disability on the form. Check. Sweet! New job here I go.
At first, I thought that I was lucky to have a slight leg up in the job hunting experience. But this week has shown me that no, I get a little bit of help because in reality I need a lot of help. I have thought of my disability as being minor, you know, I have to take medicine and have an adult bedtime.
What I was ignoring was the fact that I struggle every single day to wake up for work. I don’t just mean waking up and getting out of bed. I mean that I am at work, taking care of children, and trying my hardest just to walk down the hallway. I cannot wake up fully until at least 9 in the morning, and the kids get there at 7:25.
I think that I could continue my job as a teacher if I was able to wake up at 8am. My entire day would be different, but I know that won’t happen. I don’t know if I would be able to tell an employer at a different job that I am unable to work before 9am though. I would think that they wouldn’t want to hire me, realistically.
It turns out THAT is what that disability form is for, to protect me. Or is it really to check before I interview so they know what they are getting into? I am sure its meant for the former and ends up being the latter.
Either way, I don’t know how I am going to handle the morning teaching situation… So any suggestions (other than drinking copious amounts of Dr. Pepper in the morning) would be greatly appreciated.
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I intentionally keep my Facebook friends away from my blog, in order to give me a decent amount of anonymity. While I have no issue discussing my mental health journey, it is something I prefer to discuss in person instead of over the internet.
So when it comes to my Facebook page, my life is a lie.
As I sit on someones porch in the beautiful Florida weather, I feel as though I should take a minute to be thankful for all of the positive influences in my life. I wrote a post about how happy I was to have a medication in my life that made everything easier, but to be honest its been the supportive people in my life that have made the biggest difference.
I have an impressively supportive and amazing boyfriend. I could not be more grateful to have such an amazing strong man in my life. Even if strong means that he is not immasculated by having a high-achieving and strong-minded girlfriend. He is the yin to my yang, and I would be lost without his support.
My friends are some of the best in the world. I can say that, because at different points my friends have been all over the world and they were still supportive. It speaks volumes to the quaity of my friends that even at the lowest points of my depression I did not feel alone.
Some could argue that adopting a rescue dog that needed tons of emotional support wasnt the smartest idea, since I needed so much emotional support myself. But having two loving dogs has enriched my life more than I can imagine. Watching Shadow grow a little bit every day and having Penny’s unconditional love has helped me to be happier than any person should be.
Trying My Best to See 